It’s easy to get caught up in anger, especially if you had a bad day at work or in an argument with your significant other. Usually, anger is something that needs to be expressed properly, but there are some exceptions to this.
If you are angry, do not let it affect the way you treat your children. Even if your child has been disrespectful, it’s important to show them discipline outside of anger. Otherwise, they learn that they too can release their anger onto others.
I always hated the cycle of getting angry, yelling at my kids and then feeling horrible after and trying to apologize because, in the back of my mind, I knew the damage had already been done. I didn’t want to be that person, so I decided to learn how to be mindful.
Most of my anger was not at all related to the kids, I mean what could they really do that would warrant something other than a rational conversation. Children do not need to be yelled at; they need understanding and explanations.
Depending on their age, their actions are completely innocent. Did they color on the wall? No need to yell at them. You can calmly explain to them that this type of behavior is inappropriate.
Step one: Be aware of who you are reacting to
The best way to regulate your reactions towards children is to think, “Who am I talking to?” Then ask yourself “How old are they?” Depending on their age, they may or may not understand the full consequence of their actions. If they understand, then explain firmly, but calmly, that their actions have repercussions.
Step two: Evaluate the situation
Evaluating the situation only takes a few seconds. You can ask yourself questions like, “What am I mad at?” and “How will this affect those involved in the long run?”
This will help you, for example, when you come home from work, and you’re mad at something your boss did, and your child simply annoyed you by their constant questions or need for attention. They obviously aren’t the person you are mad at so stop, and think before you react. Allow yourself to recognize where your anger really belongs, and address it later.
You may be wondering how you are supposed to push away your feelings temporarily, but it’s the same way you did when you were talking to your boss. Chances are he upset you, but you didn’t react negatively; You just quietly held onto those feelings and thoughts and saved them for a time you could vent to your friends. You can regulate your feelings at work or in public so why not with your kids? This brings me to my next point.
Step Three: Put a pin in it
It’s important to express your feelings properly, so I suggest taking a piece of paper or a note card and writing down a brief blurb about your anger to release the anxiety temporarily. This will allow you to vent your feelings to a friend or your partner later.
Step Four: Always be mindful
Image Courtesy: Tommy Nelson (www.tommynelson.com)
Know when anger should be used and know what warrants yelling. Sometimes you need to decide that ahead of time, so it’s easier to make proper decisions when you’re not in the heat of the moment.
Think about all of the common things your children could do to get you angry. Writing on the walls, spilling juice on your new carpet, etc. Then think about what punishment and reaction would properly fit the inappropriate behaviors.
Deciding this before the incidents will make it a lot easier than trying to think when you’re clouded with negativity. It will also allow you to prevent the unwanted yelling outbursts.
Step Five: Remember you are human
If you slip up and yell when you shouldn’t have, don’t be too hard on yourself, you can’t be perfect, what is important is that you can take this experience and learn from it.
Another important tip is that if you do yell at a child when you are mad about something else, apologize and explain the situation. Saying that you are sorry because you were in a bad mood and took it out on them may not be clear enough. Tell them that you had a bad day at work, tell them that your boss was mean to you and tell them why you yelled at them. This really does undo some of the damage. By explaining, the child knows that it really wasn’t their fault and they are also able to learn to apologize for being in the wrong. Explaining things and having an overall understanding is what children really need.
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