I thought I had the perfect marriage, ok not perfect, but I was a hundred percent sure I had married the right person. Ever since we got together, I considered no other man. That was until I met James.
My perfect marriage crumbled as soon as I met him. I have been working at the same job for two years and not one person remotely interested me there until a few months ago.
My boss was walking around introducing a new employee; I wasn’t really interested until I looked up and saw him. It wasn’t only a physical attraction. There was something in his soul I could see through his eyes that he was the perfect person for me.
As he walked away, I realized what happened and what I thought I knew and loved before all disintegrated.
How would I go home? How could I face my husband knowing that I have felt more powerful than I ever had with him?
I began to calm myself down. I was convinced it was his looks or that I was bored at work and was grasping at straws to entertain myself. I convinced myself I was just trying to sabotage my happiness and there is no way I could be known by one look how we would match up together.
I got home, and all was right in the world again, at least for the moment. As I got to know James, having many projects that involved the two of us I started to feel the terror of my first premonitions coming true.
I wasn’t grasping at straws; he created a violent spark between us and it felt perfect. What I thought was right before with my husband was nothing.
I tried to avoid my husband, for the most part, it wasn’t difficult. A lot of nights I would say I was working late. I would go to the gym or sit in my car alone for a while.
A month of the feelings which never wavered I decided to tell my best friend. She was very confused, I mean so was I but her confusion manifested in anger. She told me to ignore the feelings and focus on my husband. She accused me of being a child and not appreciating what I had.
She was wrong. I always had and will always appreciate my husband. I was not going to cheat on him in any capacity; I just wanted to know what my feelings meant, and what to do about them.
I thought about all of my options. I could follow my friend’s advice and act like this never happened. I could be honest and tell my husband what I’ve been feeling, and we could potentially work it out together, or I could act on my feelings.
I wanted to suppress my feelings, but I knew that would lead to lies and untrue feelings which wouldn’t help anyone.
I decided to get closer to James. Not romantically, I just wanted to be friends with him. Deep down I was hoping the more I got to know him the more I would realize that he wasn’t right for me. It was an easy goal, one false move and my world could have made sense again.
It didn’t matter what he did, I was trapped in his net, everything he did drew me in closer.
I couldn’t figure out why I liked him so much. I couldn’t tell why I liked him differently compared to my husband.
In that moment of thought, I realized I had to make a decision I didn’t want to be stuck in a silent marriage where my husband would always feel like something wasn’t quite right so I sat him down and told him about James. Of course, nothing was actually scandalous, but I felt so guilty and confused by my feelings it felt sinful.
He smiled at me and confessed having gone through the same problem before. I then felt self-conscious at the possibility of him loving someone else more than he loved me.
Truthfully, it was a struggle but being honest made it simpler, it also made my decision for me. Someone who is told what I told him and is compassionate and kind about it is a treasure that I wouldn’t trade.
Had he been upset or freaked out I could’ve easily said goodbye but it was obvious James wasn’t meant to be.
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