We all deal with insecurities; it’s our human nature. But what if those insecurities overwhelm you and dictate your life choices?
For me, this has been a constant struggle that I’ve dealt with my entire life.
Now I’m not asking for sympathy, and I’m not asking for pity. Take these words as you wish, I just need to get this off my chest in the hopes that you understand. And maybe it can help another girl out there know she isn’t alone.
For me, every day is a battle of the forces. Much like a Jedi Knight versus the Dark Side in the Star Wars movies, my mind is in a constant state of limbo. On the one hand, I know that what the self-entitled little brat inside my head says isn’t true, but just like a lazy roommate that leaves a trail of mess everywhere, I just can’t seem to escape her words.
Her words penetrate my thoughts and ransack my mind, taking my consciousness hostage as she plays her wicked games. It’s like her powers control what I see and what I feel.
When I wake up and look in the mirror, somedays it isn’t so bad. Maybe I think I look a little tired, but nothing a little concealer can’t fix. But on the days when this certified mean girl decides to show up, all hell breaks loose. Instead of seeing myself for who I am, every little insecurity comes bubbling up from my bowels and is word vomited into my mind. Suddenly those tired eyes that I wasn’t so concerned about yesterday to look like dark spots that will never fade. I see faces on Instagram featuring girls with #NoFilter, and I suddenly feel like I’ll never be good enough.
Want to try that yoga class?
“Forget it,” says the menacing girl in my thoughts. “You aren’t skinny enough, talented enough or pretty enough to do that.”
The guy I liked and exchanged numbers within class didn’t text me back. “Told you so,” she mutters. “You knew he didn’t like you anyway, look at you.”
The size of my waist seems more critical than the goodness in my heart. The little stretch marks on my legs suddenly look like gaping, disgusting wounds when these disillusioned googles are placed over my eyes. There is no escaping her hurtful words.
Feeling like you aren’t good enough is the most pain you could ever inflict on another person because unlike the actions of another where you have no control, these thoughts are seemingly in your power, and when they are so hurtful, it’s hard to escape. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone else, except maybe this lousy voice that dwells in my mind.
This is something I’m working on and practicing each day to try and get better at. Instead of always caving into her demands that I should feel ashamed in the pretty new dress I bought or to cover up my arms because they look too fat, I’m slowly trying to tune her out.
Just because my nose isn’t an adorable little size and just because my legs have cellulite on them doesn’t make me any less of a woman. If anything, it makes me even more whole, because all of these things make me human.
I’ve gotten better at working through this problem, but some days are harder than others. Just like an addict who tries to quit drinking or smoking, some days you relapse and cave into the easiness of past habits. But it’s a problem that I will never stop striving to overcome.
So the next time you want to criticize someone, think of what I’ve said here. They probably have already said something way worse to themselves than what you could spew out, so instead of putting others down, try to lift them up. You could save someone’s life.
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About the Author: Samantha Kindler is a world traveler, with four continents conquered and three remaining. She lives in Hawaii, where she enjoys hiking and has the beach available to her throughout the year. She recently got the opportunity to spend over ten months in Korea and fell in love with their minimalist way of life. She has driven to 49 states with her father, but upon visiting Hawaii, she just wanted to stay.
