Toxic Masculinity and The Boy Code: How We Are Raising Damaged Sons?

Even in today’s society, it is common to have a mentality, that “boys don’t cry” or “boys should not show their emotions.” Crying and being emotional is associated with being vulnerable, which of course is not the characteristic of “real man.”

Teaching young boys not to talk about their feelings and always looking healthy might be the worst thing ever. This can cause misunderstanding, stress and even depression. Those people, who think that real men are strong and should never be vulnerable, do not understand what “being a man” is really about.

Girls and boys should not be treated in such a different way. They all have feelings, questions, challenges, and things they cannot handle. And it is okay to talk about them and grow with every experience.

William Pollack wrote a book in 1998 called “Real Boys: Rescuing Our Boys From the Myths of Boyhood.” His book explained the boy code, which required boys to be stoic, independent, macho, powerful and dominant. The requirement also included avoiding all feminine traits, such as being caring, warm, sensitive and empathic.

Unfortunately, most boys are still brought up by this boy code, and too little attention has been given to their inner self – their thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

A recent analysis of the Orlando nightclub shooting tragedy described this masculinity as toxic. It was said, that the model of manhood is about being dominant and in control, and when you are not, you should feel ashamed. This shame turns quickly into resentfulness, hate and self-loathing, which is a dangerous mix with guns and social media.

There is a new documentary, which shows young boys from different cultural backgrounds and explains their challenges and troubles. This documentary describes the meaning of masculinity in different cultures. The documentary is called “The Mask You Live In” and should be a must-see for everyone.

The most dangerous part about shutting boys’ feelings off is that when later in life they do experience these kinds of feelings, they do not know how to cope with them. They feel bad about feeling hurt, and that makes the pain and confusion even worse. It is important to teach all the children, boys and girls, how to deal with negative emotions healthily and how to accept the things life throws at us.

Another problem with being too manly and not revealing emotions is the fact that these people have a hard time committing to someone or finding someone who is willing to commit to them. Being in a relationship requires love, understanding, empathy, vulnerability, and sensitivity. But when someone has been told their whole life to avoid this kind of feelings, they cannot handle a real relationship.

There are stereotypical pressures for girls as well, of course. For example, is always friendly, lovely, kind and skinny. These can also have an unhealthy effect on them because they never feel good enough or valued.

The solutions seem quite simple. Our society should cancel all the gender-typed pressures and just focus on raising happy and healthy kids. They should all have their freedom to think what they want, dress how they like to and feel all the emotions it is normal for humans to feel.

Not knowing how to handle one’s feelings might lead to stress, depression and even violence. So if we want to raise good men, great husbands and loving dads, we need to rethink the way we teach boys about masculinity, feelings, and emotions. It is important to teach kids the right values.

TEDxIsfeld Bill Pozzobon Breaking the Boys Code of Masculinity

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Featured Image Courtesy: CBC Canada (www.cbc.ca)

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